Freedom

Written on 12-3-06



I have been thinking a lot about freedom lately, especially a definition that was recently given to me by one of my professors. She defined freedom as: the ability to pause between stimulus and response and make a conscious value choice, taking responsibility for consequences to ourselves and others. This definition has caused me to realize that true freedom lies in the very choices we make that constitute the development of our own lives and also aim at building the lives of others around us regardless of who they are. I have come to understand that developing an overall lifestyle of good character and respectable values is necessary in order to develop a greater ability to be able to make those crucial, value choices in those sometimes very brief windows of decision-making between stimulus and response. These brief moments of decision-making are often some of the most crucial deciding factors of who we grow to be and what we stand for in life. It is the little that adds up over time that makes the difference between a person of good character and one who yields to pressure and negative influence in making valuable life choices. Freedom is the ability to confidently maintain control over our own personal choices we make in life.



Another thought I have been faced with is the question of whether accepting freedom also means accepting responsibility? This has caused me to look at my own life, especially recently as I have the freedom to make decisions regarding my future. I realize that along with this freedom to think and make conscious value choices, there must also be an appropriate acceptance of responsibility for this freedom, not only to myself but to others as well. I have the responsibility to better my own self in order to appropriately live in my freedom. As my professor also reminded us, freedom without self-mastery is a snare and a delusion. I have taken this concept of freedom and responsibility and related it to my relationship with Christ.

As I recognize and understand the deep significance and meaning of the gift of freedom in Christ I am obligated and compelled to live a life that accurately reflects the intention of this freedom. Accepting the freedom that Christ gives is not a liberty to reject responsibility for life choices, rather it is the acceptance of a deep responsibility to appropriately honor that freedom by my life choices. Seeking to develop a holistic lifestyle of godliness and Christ-like values is a great responsibility that ultimately reflects the freedom I have to make those choices. To accept freedom, which is the ability to pause between stimulus and response and make a conscious value choice, we must also accept that this means a deep responsibility for the choices we do make and the consequences that they have on our own self and on others.

In His Shoes

Written on 4-18-03





I woke up today a little bit confused
I was walking around in someone else’s shoes
As I looked around I became aware
I was in a place of remarkable despair

"It’s dark in this place," I said to myself,
"It’s cold and empty, there’s not even a shelf"
I looked down to find chains attached to me
Around my hands and feet as I began to see

I was in the jail cell where my Savior once was
The place where they beat Him just because
Then soldiers came in and they dragged me out
They began to mock me with yells and shouts

They stuck a crown of thorns upon my head
And struck me with a whip as I bled
The pain was agonizing yet somehow I knew
It would only get worse in this man’s shoes

Weak and broken I cried out to my Lord
I felt that pain as I was nailed to the board
Never have I felt such pain inside me
Yet He endured it so I could be free

I struggled to make it up that dreaded hill
The place where I would hand over my will
I felt so wretched, I felt so much shame
Every sin on that cross bore my name

As I hung there I took a look around
Staring at the people as my tears hit the ground
I know why he died, he did it for me
He endured such pain to save the people I see

I was growing weak I couldn’t grasp any air
With one last breath I was assured that he cared
So I closed my eyes and felt the release
My soul has been touched by His hand of peace

Now I can imagine what that day might have been for Him
And how victory came when it looked so grim
Looking back to that day it would be hard to choose
To walk another mile in that man’s shoes

But that’s exactly how he’s called me to live
To love and to serve and to always forgive
My life is not my own, I now have an obligation
To bring this news to all of the nations!

The Plunge

Written on 9-13-06




When was the last time you took the plunge? When did you make the choice to do something that wasn’t easy for you to do? As recorded in the dictionary, taking the plunge is: to enter with sudden decision upon an unfamiliar course of action, as after hesitation or deliberation.

You might be asking why I chose the visual of kayaking to pose a question such as this. Pictured above, you can see this kayaker taking the plunge off of a ten foot cliffside into the water below. Pictured below you see two other kayakers literally plunging full body into the massive rapids. The reason why I choose these visuals is to represent a picture of what it means, in the face of fear and hesitation, to enter into the unknowns of the adventure environment.

As a kayaker myself, I can relate to what these boaters may have been feeling in the midst of their plunges. River waters are very powerful, and can be very dangerous if not approached appropriately. One thing I have learned however, along with the relentless power of rivers, is the fact that they are predictable. With the proper knowledge about rivers one is able to understand that a river has characteristics that we can use either for or against our advantage.

Every time I have entered the waters of a river I have experienced some sort of healthy fear of the ultimate unknown of what could come of my actions. Have these thoughts stopped me however, from allowing myself to enjoy what God has created? Not yet. I have found it to be such an incredible feeling when I am able to keep paddling when, in the distance, I can see the horizon line dropping and hear the waters being stirred up as the powerful rapids take their form. I have found that in this moment of hesitation and fear I have two choices: 1. To back down and bail out, which can sometimes put you in an even scarier position or 2. Make the choice to paddle hard with the confidence of the knowledge I do have and enjoy the ride however crazy it may be sometimes.



Now taking the plunge is not to inappropriately put yourself into a potentially dangerous situation just for the thrill of it. Taking the plunge requires a balance of proper knowledge, healthy fear, and good judgment calls. When these three are combined it makes for an incredible opportunity to learn and be stretched by trying new things. I have met people who think I’m crazy for wanting to go down a river with rapids this big just for the challenge and enjoyment it brings me. We must decide for ourselves what causes us to hesitate or fear, and make it a purpose to plunge into these things with a confident spirit, knowing that to overcome our fear is to experience release and freedom to enjoy life more fully.

I have found that each time I take the plunge into something difficult for me to do, I become more likely to do it again the next time. We must learn through continual experience how to develop a lifestyle that is able to take the plunge when it is good for us to do so. So what are you waiting for, take the plunge!

Led By His Hand

Written on 9-15-06

When was the last time you allowed someone else to direct your steps? When we often walk through life on our own we may be missing out on valuable lessons to be learned when we allow someone else to lead the way.

Pictured above are two individuals on a little adventure. As part of a team building experience for an outdoor education program, each member of a group is paired up and given a task. The task for the one blindfolded is to simply follow as her partner leads her on an adventure. The task of the one leading (not known by the blindfolded one) is to lead his partner to a specific tree on this camp’s property that she will then have to go and find once her blindfold is taken off. Throughout the entire experience both the one leading and the one following must be silent.

This picture was taken toward the end of their journey after going over, under and through many obstacles. The hand you see raised by the blindfolded one is not a hello wave, instead it is a hand of protection being held out in front of her, not knowing a picture was being taken. The playground set you see in the background is where this pair just came from and is the reason I am writing about this adventure.

After bringing his partner to a tree and making her feel around and get acquainted with it, hoping she will be able to find it again later, the one leading decided to then lead his partner through this child sized playground set as an added challenge. As I watched her scramble and feel around trying to climb up the little ladder, through the tiny tunnel on her stomach and under bars without hitting her head, I saw something beautiful occurring. I saw trust taking place in one of the most simple yet hardest ways. She was entrusting her physical safety to the one leading her. She had no clue what she was in for when she put that blindfold on, but throughout the entire journey with him she trusted and walked the path that he set for her. At times it was hard for her, at times she didn’t quite understand what was going on, and at times she felt a little fear of the unknown that she was walking into, but she walked on regardless of these things. In the end however, she even had a smile on her face, knowing that she had just experienced life from a different perspective.

As an observer of this event, I was able to draw some parallels between this experience and my own faith life. As a follower of Christ, I have chosen to walk with God through this life of adventure. At times it seems like I am walking blindfolded, having to follow Him in silence, not always knowing where I am going or what I am doing, but simply trusting that I am in good hands. On this journey there will be obstacles and challenges I will have to walk through but His hand of protection will always be present.

I was challenged by this picture to consider how I respond when I’m walking through a time in life with the blindfold on. Do I hold my hand up in attempt to protect myself, even when I don’t know what I’m trying to protect myself from, or do I simply walk at ease knowing that the hand I’m holding is a hand that desires what is good for me. I don’t know why it is always so hard to trust God in everything, but one thing I did learn from watching this event is that the more I know the character of the one leading me, the more I am able to trust Him with my life. So the question that I continually ask myself is: Am I daily seeking to know God more and trust Him as I am being led by His Hand?

The Safe Harbor

Written on 9-19-06

After returning home from college I have really begun to understand my life more as a whole and am seeing my heart reveal its true love and passion. Life for me is no longer about entering into the right ministry or trying to live in the right place where God can use me, but rather to enter into a real life of ministry where my heart is wholly involved, where I understand and support the mission in a personal way, and where my life’s joy isn’t dependent on the ministry I’m doing, but that the ministry I’m doing is a reflection of my life’s joy that comes through intimate and real experience with God and his people.

Because of the rich history and relevancy of the fishing lifestyle that is still so present in my hometown, I was able to understand this period of my life in connection with the journey of a fishing boat. As I watched the boats go by in and out of the harbor I saw a lot of my life reflected in them. First off the boats were not made to sit in the harbor where it is "safe," they were built to go out on the seas and face the elements, to go catch fish. As I looked at my life, I realized that although this will always be my "safe harbor," full of great memories and a place to rest, I cannot stay here forever. I was meant to go out into the sea and "fish"; to find that which gives substance to my life and where I find deep joy.

I was always amazed at my grandfather’s ability to take deep joy in what he did, spending countless hours working on his nets and boat and working hard to provide for his family. During different seasons he would leave for extended periods of time and return again with his catch. As I look at the last few years of my life I can see that I have been on extended trips to places far away from home and have returned with new catches each time. I have been personally changed in the process and have learned more about the "art of fishing" through my experiences out on the seas away from the calm waters of the harbor. As I look at where I might be heading after this period of rest in the harbor, I look forward to following the "fish" wherever they lead me and learn even more about myself in the process and how to give that gift to others.

Part of a Tribe

Written on 11-28-06

I watched one of my favorite movies of all time yesterday (In God’s Hands) and was inspired yet again to consider some of the deeper messages that are worked into this film. I don’t know why I love this movie so much. Maybe it’s because it is an authentic account of a real lifestyle of surfers, or maybe it’s because I see a bit of my self in the main actor Shane Dorian. He is also from California and throughout the film he seeks to understand the deep simplicity and beauty of life in connection with nature; why, when he’s in the midst of it everything just seems to make perfect sense, and he dares not to ask for more out of it than the simple life giving experience it brings, for fear of it all being taken away. Living here on the Central Coast of California, what some writers claim to be the most beautiful place on earth, I can relate to this intense longing to grasp the deep beauty and understanding of the mystery of life in connection with the natural world. There’s a great mystical/spiritual element in this film which causes me every time to remember how precious of a gift this earth is and the reality that this is the place where I am able to experience and live out a real relationship with God and his people in community.

At one point in the film the journalist, who is following this community of surfers and documenting the deeper journey of Shane Dorian, shows him some of the photos he has taken along the way. As they are on a native island, training for the big wave surfing, he mentions to Shane a reality that he was not previously aware of. "You may not realize it, but you and your friends are part of a tribe; one built on mutual respect, and a common understanding of what it takes to do what you do (surf big waves)." This line in the film hit me this time around and caused me to realize this truth about my own life and the various tribes I have been a part of.

Whether it is a group of rock climbers waking up at 4 am to hike 5 hours into an isolated rock face in attempt to conquer its peak, a group of backpackers climbing up a mountain one step at a time as they feel the weight of their heavy packs on their back, or a group of college interns seeking a deeper understanding of life and leadership together in an outdoor education program, these are all tribes with a deep significance of their own. Each serves a purpose in the life of its members and as a part of these tribes at one time or another. I have been changed by the relationships and life experiences shared with these people on my own life journey. I too, like Shane Dorian have found myself in places of stillness and awe-someness with the world around me. I have found that in these moments it all makes sense and I dare not selfishly ask for anything more from it but the simple, profound reality of the truth that I encounter there. It is in these moments that I am reminded of the beauty of the deep mystery of life and the fact that I am being held in God’s hands. This is a mystery I will forever be captivated by and simply called to live and enjoy it for what it is, not seeking more for my own satisfaction or pleasure but simply being a part of something bigger.

Marks of a Life Lived Well

Written on 9-11-06

Does your life show evidence that it is being lived well? Is what you love most being expressed outwardly as well as enjoyed inwardly? Do your hands bear the marks of that which you love? Pictured above is not just a climber about to reach the top of a climb, it is an expression of true passion and devotion to that which is loved.

In this case the love is of rock climbing and the devotion is found in this climber’s relentless attempts at reaching his goal. Now as some may know, true rock climbers are not just about getting to the top of every route they climb; the true enjoyment of climbing comes through the process of getting there. It comes through the countless times of trying to perfect form and grace throughout the entire climb. It’s getting past the toughest parts of the climb without having to rely on the rope, thinking as if it isn’t even there. It’s jamming your hands into a crack over and over until you feel you have the perfect grip to proceed with. It’s taking a ten foot fall after attempting your first real crux move on a lead climb. It’s feeling the sweat come down your face as you focus so intently on that which is right in front of you, and anticipating that which is yet to come. The only thought going through a climber’s mind in a moment like this is that of pure enjoyment and satisfaction that his life is being lived well, going full on in what he loves doing.

So what is it that you love most? What makes you feel really alive? What stirs in you a deep passion to go full on in your pursuit of it? Are you enjoying each moment when you find yourself lost in the world of that which you love? What is it in your life that you are willing to bear the marks of?

The Beginning of Many

In the next several entries I will re-post some of the things I had on my other site before I deleted it. I went through a time last year where I was inspired to write by one of my professors and that's what I did ... a lot. Many of them are photographs from my time in college that I took and wrote reflections about, so enjoy and feel free to comment on them, challenge me, or ask questions.

Written on 11-13-06

A Great Photograph ...

"A great photo happens when a photographer sees a situation unfolding in front of him that evokes an emotion that he feels deep down, in the middle of his chest. And in a split second, he then makes a conscience choice of exposure, lens, depth of field, lighting, body language, composition, etc., and releases the shutter. The film is then processed, scanned, laid out on a page, printed on a press, driven across town to the newspaper carrier who throws it on some guy's porch, who then opens the newspaper and looks down at that photo ... And if that guy gets the same feeling deep down in the middle of his chest that the photographer did when he viewed the situation in the first place, the photographer has made a great photo."


As I read this definition on a journalism website of what makes a great photograph, I found it to be a neat way to explain the attempt we make to capture a still image of the essense of profound moments we expereince in life. It is these moments that we desire to remain forever and by photographing them, we are essentially capturing that expereince and its emotions in time in order to experience again at a later time as we are taken mentally and emotionally to that place of significance that it was at the time. Photographs remind us and encourage us in our present realities of the things we once experienced and continue to be affected by as we reflect on what that experience meant to us.

As I have been looking into photo journalism a bit lately, I have developed a deep interest for being able to capture those moments and write about them in such a way that I can learn and be challenged by some of life's deepest questions and observations. In light of all that I see in the world around me, my desire is to begin to touch on the question of "how then shall we live?" For so many years in my life, I have been content to simply go on living my life without critically examining the world around me and it's been a challenge to really face the world and all its controversy and understand why I live the way I do and what that means to me deep down. I know it's a long road to walk down but I'm excited to see what I am able to capture and examine as I go along. One thing I have begun to see is the reality that this world in all its complexity and ugliness often reveals some beautifully deep truths about my own life and faith before God.

Another Time Around

Well, it's funny how I just wrote a blog on my Xanga site the other day saying how I sometimes wish I could just delete all my online blogs, emails, etc ... and here I am re-creating my blog site that I deleted a while back.

So why the resurrection you might ask? Well simply put, my pride wants me to live simply and not have so many emails and blog websites (or identities as one friend calls them). However, I realize that I have a passion for keeping in touch with people; for writing emails, sharing photos of my recent adventures, and most importantly for allowing people to know me deeper. My blog before was specifically created for the purpose of posting some of my pictures that I wrote little stories/reflections about (photojournalism type works) and here is where I intend to do that again and then some.

This site will be dedicated to the Expressions of JenDerr which may entail just about everything from random thoughts, questions, pictures, journalism, attempts at art etc .... I can't garantee how often I will add things to this site as my creative side comes in waves but I will do my best.... so welcome to Expressions. Enjoy, comment, and share in the life of Jenderr.